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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 8, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PST

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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow for an hour of live election coverage, our election night team coverage will be right here. now here if is, your moment of zen. >> it's 3:00 on the east coast, noon on the west coast, and most who will vote have already voted. and now we wait. locked still in the perking tore between the race and the reveal. what will happen among blacks and hispanics. comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. then you can go to bed. i'm chris hardwick. alright. tomorrow america picks our next president, in the longest and worst choose-your-own-adventure goosebumps book yet. [laughing] >> chris: i can't -- i'm so [beep] tired, you guys. america is so tired. to mark the occasion today everyone belted out the same anthem: "one day more" from les miseérables. ♪ one day more ♪ one day more ♪ nip it in the bud. >> chris: get it. one day more
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left in the election and we're all miserable! plus it's the story of a maniac who rants about locking up a criminal, while tomorrow our country will be torn apart by a bloody revolution! art imitates life! the "one day more" trend was so big that it became a twitter moment. yes, people are so sick of political nerds talking about the election, even theater nerds look cool. do you see what has happened? they do. [ applause ] >> chris: and it's nice to be reminded that no matter how terrible this election is, it will never be as bad as russell crowe's singing. [laughing] >> so, comedians, since we're almost done, how are you making it through one day more, skwroerd ab? >> i'm watching old obama speeches trying not to cry.
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>> chris: points. jonathan. >> speaking about [beep] that says make america great again. >> chris: alice. >> i will move into the bunker with all of the other hillary supporters. the demons are coming for us. >> chris: first up, mister doctor. doctor strange made a butt load of money over the weekend. so much money, in fact, that i heard hollywood is considering making another superhero movie that's crazy. i know. they made one, it did well. i guess they will make more, i don't know. but this is not the good doctor's first cinematic appearance. in 1978 there was a doctor strange tv movie, where he looked thusly. now -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: dr. getting some strange. note the luminous porn stache, boss perm, saucy turtleneck and
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a truly magical male camel toe, down here. otherwise known as a "ball-gina" or "cumberbatch." fun fact, i don't know if you know that. it's true. yes. i don't make all of these things up. these are true facts. comedians, what are some magic powers of this 1970s-era doctor strange? alice wetterlund. >> he can cause yeast infections. >> chris: jordan. >> when there is trouble he turns no a white -- [laughing] >> chris: jordan. >> he can unlock all 36 chambers of the wu-tang. >> chris: points. that's exactly. [ applause ] >> chris: next, a family divided. this youtube video features a husband who's an eagles fan and a wife who roots for the cowboys, because some couples apparently need a reason to fight.
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they made a bet when their teams played and the wife won. comedians, what did the husband have to do to payoff the bet? go to work dressed in a cowboys helmet and full uniform. run naked through the dallas/fort worth airport. let his wife kick him in the balls. alice. >> c. hris: that is the correct answer. now let's enjoy this. >> oh my god! oh my god! [laughing] >> holy [beep] >> wow. >> chris: tough to feel sorry for a guy wearing a michael vick jersey. come on, guys. though it's nice to see a guy in a football uniform get beaten by his wife for a change. >> there you go. [ applause ] >> chris: next up with her. trump surrogate, scotty nell
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hughes it there she is. on cnn last night to complain about jay-z. says he has a lock of moral authority because of something featured in "one of his main videos" take a look. >> we talked about jay-z. he maybe working with a main video starting off with a crowd thoughing -- at the police. an anti police message. >> chris: no, the famous exploded beer bottle weapon. this in one of jay-z's main videos was throwing mozeltof cocktails. by the way what is that? i guess that would be this, is this it? i don't know. you remember jay-z's wedding the guys picked him up and thre hadm
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in a chair. while they chucked mazel tov cocktails at a cop car. to life, bitches! i don't drink anymore but now i don't drink anymore, but kicking back with a mazel tov cocktail after a long day sounds like a little slice of heaven. so comedians, i want you to give me a toast you might give with a mazel tov cocktail. >> here to burning down the society not before you have something to eat. >> chris: points, points. yes. [ applause ] >> chris: jordan. >> -- here is to this being saver than a samsung phone. >> chris: yes. jonathan. >> may this weapon bring you as much pain and suffering as my mother-in-law when she cysts. >> chris: very good. >> sorry, mother-in-law. chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. [ applause ] >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. from "lethal weapon," wednesdays on fox, it's johnathan
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fernandez. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 500 points from "people of earth," mondays on tbs, it's alice wetterlund. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and also with 500 points performing at the american comedy company in san diego november 13, it's jordan rock. [cheers and applause] >> chris: gentlemen, lady. lady, gentlemen. and now we're all warmed up and frothy it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. this year's presidential nominees are among the least popular of all time. one of the main things people are saying is they are going to vote for the "lesser of two evils." but if we all vote for the lesser of two evils don't we still end up with an evil! there has to be wetter reasons to vote for our president.
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that's why tonight's hashtag is, #imvotingbecause. it is our right as tpherpbz to bitch as long as you vote. you can bitch as long as you vote. s-d examples: "i want to feel superior to teens" and "i'm gonna use that i voted sticker to cover a scar." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. jonathan. >> i'm voting because i look like this. >> chris: points. alice. >> wait, when is it? chris: jonathan. >> i am writing because if i don't my 12 years of slave screen club book club will be upset with me. >> chris: alice. >> i hear three k and an "i voted" sticker gets you into hamilton. >> chris: jordan. >> i'm voting it's a new feminine hierarchy. >> i am voting for the
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difference between popular and evil. >> these fingers are not for picking they're for rolling. >> i am voting -- chris: points. jordan. >> i'm voting because my mexican mechanic said woe give me a deal. >> chris: points to alice. >> i like saying i did a sieve i can duty. [ applause ] that's the end of the hashtag wars. send us your #imvotingbecause and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @jessicanexus. well done!
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this is lynchburg. a small town in the heart of tennessee. where families and neighbors work together to make every drop of our whiskey. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i want to say tomorrow after the election when america feels it has taken the biggest dump of it's life and sits back to, oh my god, i won't be able to walk again for a while we will be live after the daily show tomorrow night. we will be live. [cheers and applause] >> chris: "@midnight" on the east coast. 9:00 p.m. on the west coast. we have paul, ron funches, whitney comings and doug benson. i hope nobody says anything live. we will be live after the daily show. now it's time to play, on my way to steal your girl. [cheers and applause]
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if the internet has taught me anything, it's that people love -- the walking dead. also people love calling cereal mascots daddy. but also, at any moment, someone is on their way to steal your girl. [laughing] >> chris: someone finally improved on the wheel. so in honor of the "on my way to steal your girl" meme, comedians, i'll show you someone on the go and for 250 points i want you to tell me what they're on their way to do. first, a man dealing with weight. alright. there he goes. where is he on his way too, jordan. >> to the left. then to the wall. then to the hospital. >> chris: points. keep going out. [ applause ] >> chris: he's never, for the rest of his life he's never able to put that down. never put that down.
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jonathan. >> on my way to make a me shaped hole in the wall. [ applause ] >> chris: next up, this raccoon rider: [laughing] >> chris: not even that [beep] good. he has training wheels. not going very fast. alice. >> on my way to steal your squirrel. >> oh my god! [cheers and applause] >> chris: jordan rock. >> on my way to a red lobster dumpster. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, this metal man. [laughing] >> chris: where is he on his way to, jonathan. >> maker rands in chernobyl. chris: tpo *eupbts points. points. alice. >> on my way to the basement at west world. >> chris: points.
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[ applause ] >> chris: next, this chill chow: >> it's a [beep] people mover, god damn it not a dog mover, alice. >> on my way back to the office. i'm the head of tsa. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: jordan. >> on my way to fly pet blue. i'm bad. [ applause ] >> chris: next, this moped master on a mission. jonathan. >> on my way to find nemo. chris: points. alice. >> on my way to vote for trump. chris: points. jordan. >> on my way to a dui class.
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[laughing] >> chris: finally, something from japan. something from japan. ♪ >> chris: it's fun to see their inauguration ceremony. [laughing] >> chris: jonathan. >> on my way to a furry funeral. chris: this is the people dressed aspen begins. that's formal. crank up the happy music. we have to be happy. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of on my way to steal your girl. it's time for our live challenge, the future is later. the future is later. last friday was king tut day, celebrating the originator of the pyramid scheme. thanks to archeologists we can look back at ancient cultures like egypt to learn that they too were obsessed with cats, emoji, and oppressing minorities.
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see, not that much has changed. but with the election tomorrow and our civilization on the brink of destruction, now is the time to think about our culture's legacy. comedians, please write an observation about our time from the perspective of a future historian. it's a little layered but it's going to be great. we'll get your answers after the break be back with more "@midnight." road less traveled. and if the road hasn't been travelled at all, i make my own road. pave my own path. build a shower to clean me off with the power of old spice dirt destroyer. so i can get to the game. ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ thanks for tnorfolk!around and i just wanted to say, geico is proud to have served the military for over 75 years! roger that. captain's waiting to give you a tour of the wisconsin now. could've parked a little bit closer... it's gonna be dark by the time i get there. geico. proudly serving the military for over 75 years. our food was pretty darn close, too. we're keepin' that spirit alive with fajitas, a salad, and a mini molten cake for just $10. chili's. chilin' since '75.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i pointed out that everything we do will someday be found by later generations. in the future and yes even your search history. yes, even your search history, so clear those cookies, and i asked you to write what a future archeologist might say about our culture. let's see what you came up with. jordan, let's start with you. >> there was a civil war between samsung and apple. everyone with a green bubble died. [laughing] >> chris: alright. very good. jonathan. >> well, the rest of the world starved, americans binged on netflix and chilled. >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alice wetterlund. >> everything went downhill when
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people started thinking matthew mcconaughy was a good actorrer. [ applause ] >> chris: oh, man. those were all good [beep] [beep]. >> the lesser of two evils. chris: but there is three of you. >> i see. chris: i will give everyone 5000 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for wang slang. wang slang. when i say "penis" and "vagina," you know what i'm talking about. weiners and hoo-hoos! but if you go to another country where they don't speak like nine-year-old boys, they have different words for your bumpable uglies. in korea, the lowly penis is
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called "gochu," or "black -- green pepper. because in south korea nobody has seen a penis before. in japan, the vagina is called a "tako," or "octopus." that's because japanese women have sharp beaks and suction cups up there! comedians, i would like you to tell what you think people call their junk in different countries. first up. buckingham palace, england. >> mar get's snatcher. chris: next up sbarro. alice. >> the penisbegina. >> chris: germany. >> clitler. [ applause ] >> chris: next, australia. what do they call it?
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jonathan. >> platapussy. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next one china. >> power rangers. chris: points. and the end of wang slang, jordan rock, you're in third place. we must eliminate you. i'm sorry. any last words before we release you into the streets of los angeles. >> i'm at american comedy company this sunday i'm headlining. check out netflix. >> chris: i'm sorry to do this, red light. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to swipe left, it's for the win! we're almost at the finish line for the miserable death march that is the 2016 presidential campaign between hatched twitter
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egg donald trump and brunch patron who'd like to speak with the manager hillary clinton. it's so ubiquitous, you can't even get away from it on tinder, the app that helps people swap strains of hepatitis. over on the fellowkids subreddit, user theburgergoblin posted this emoji ad that's been running on the dating service: here, vote for hillary. not a sentence at all. in a way it's the perfect ad for this election. because it's annoying as (/ bleep/ ) and it makes zero sense. comedians, the plugged-in millennial vote may very well decide our next president. so i want you to come up with your own emoji based ad for a presidential candidate. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. when you run your own restaurant,
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